


Memories of a Lifetime

by PinkAngel



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-02
Updated: 2014-09-02
Packaged: 2018-02-15 15:24:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2233962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkAngel/pseuds/PinkAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for VAMB's Secret Summer 2014.  "A story that details three J/C kisses (including the when and why)."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A First Kiss

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for Hester during the VAMB Secret Summer exchange. Her request was, "A story that details three J/C kisses (including the when and why). Doesn't have to be linear. Bonus points will be given for including any or all of the following: leola root, talent night, elephants (or alien equivalent), Stardate 47474.7, rubber boots, dandelions."
> 
> I got two of her bonus point prompts in this story.

_First Officer’s Personal Log. Stardate 49694.2 -_

_I shouldn't have done it. That much I know. I'm not sure what compelled me to do it, why I even for a moment thought it was a good idea, but apparently I did._

_I'll start at the beginning where most stories begin._

_The Captain…Kathryn….had been having a nightmare. A bad one by the sounds of it. It hadn't been the first time I'd noticed her having one since we've been on New Earth, but usually she wakes herself up, lays in her cot for a few minutes, and then drifts back to sleep. Last night was different though._

_Last night I couldn't sleep and while I was laying there staring up at the ceiling of our house - it's still odd referring to it as 'our house', but that's more or less exactly what it is- but anyway....I was laying there and suddenly I heard a noise. It was almost like a grunt, a pained grunt, but softer. Then came the thrashing. It was at that point, when I heard her moving around so much in bed, that my instincts told me something wasn’t right. So I got out of bed and I rushed over thinking something was wrong. That monkey of hers could have gotten in and was attacking her for all I knew._

_There had been something wrong alright. I'm still not sure if I want to know what it was that she had been dreaming about. The look of pain...of distress....that I saw on her face broke my heart in half. I'd never seen her look so vulnerable. I doubt I ever will again._

_One of her hands was clutching the side of the mattress and the other was clutching the blanket, holding it close to her chest. I'll never forget it. The sight, every detail of it, will be etched in my mind forever. I'd never wanted to hold someone so much before in my entire life. I just wanted to take her pain away._

_I must have stood there looking like an idiot for at least a full minute. She'd continued to squirm on the cot, her face scrunched up in that pained expression, and once in awhile a whimper would escape. If she'd been even somewhat conscious I have no doubt she’d berate herself for showing so much of her inner turmoil._

_I did the only thing I could think of. I knelt down next to her bed and took the hand that'd been gripping the cot in mine. I called her name, but she didn't wake up. Then I put a hand on her forehead and she calmed a little, but it didn't last. I remember....I ran my hand through her loose hair then._

_Oh that hair. I've always wanted to touch her hair, to feel it between my fingers. I didn't pay much attention to it at the time because I was so focused on getting her calmed down, but looking back I can almost feel the soft strands brushing against my fingers. It's pathetic, but I know that if I ever get the chance to touch that hair again I'm going to take the time to memorize every detail of it._

_I kept calling her name softly, but she never did hear me. At one point she muttered something in her sleep. I can't be sure what it'd been. It had sounded like 'dassian' and my mind, so accustomed to the word and the bile that usually goes with it, automatically turned it into 'Cardassian', but I'm not sure if that was what it'd been meant to be._

_I hope it wasn't. I fervently hope that she wasn't having a nightmare about Cardassians. If she was then it would imply something that I never want to even consider. She's too....I don't know....too perfect for those monsters to lay a hand on. I don't want to think of that remarkable woman having to endure such a nightmare._

_Maybe it'd been my mind's defense against the thought of her suffering at the hands of Cardassians, or maybe I'd been more sleep deprived than I thought, or maybe I just don't have as much emotional control as I'd like to think. Either way...I kissed her._

_Kathryn Janeway. My captain and my friend. Without really thinking about it I had leaned over and kissed her. Her lips were as soft as I'd thought they'd be. It only lasted a second and then my common sense kicked in._

_It worked though. She had stopped thrashing and groaning and the pained expression had even slackened. She'd been breathing deeply once again and I can't even describe the relief I felt at knowing she was still asleep and hadn't woken to find me kissing her without her permission._

_At least I hope she was really asleep._

_Then again I'm still alive so that would suggest she doesn't know._

_As pathetic and cruel and selfish as it is though.....I almost hope she has another nightmare so I can comfort her again. Even just holding her would make me happy at this point._

_She'll be back from checking those insect traps soon and I'd really rather not have her hear this log. If I don't make another one it probably means she's found out about the kiss and is using **me** as an insect trap. Somehow it'd still be worth it. _

_End log._


	2. A Forgotten Kiss

_First Officer's Personal Log. Stardate 51268.4 -_

_This recording will be shorter than my usual entry. I don't have much time and the ship doesn't have the power reserve to waste. I need to get this off my chest though. Even if it's just a recorded log that no one will ever listen to or care about. I need to say it out loud. Maybe doing so will make it feel more real instead of the dream I'm half convinced it was._

_I kissed her. I kissed my Captain. Or maybe she kissed me. I'm not entirely sure and if I'm honest I don't care. The fact that it happened at all has me confused and at the same time elated. I'm not entirely sure how it happened._

_I'd been visiting her in her quarters, I know that. I had stopped by to make sure she was actually resting like she was supposed to be instead of working like I knew she would be. She was exhausted, not that she'd ever admit it, and I was exhausted. The whole ship is constantly exhausted these days. Too much to do and too little time. I suppose time might even be relative these days._

_We'd somehow begun discussing what would happen if either of us didn't make it. Mostly we were discussing what I would do should she be lost. It wasn't a topic I wanted to discuss. It's not a topic I even want to consider. She was adamant though. Just as she was adamant that if she died before this whole fiasco was sorted out that I would continue on and get the crew home no matter what._

_Somewhere along the lines things became more vehement. I'm not sure when or how or what spurred it. But it happened. It **did** happen. One minute we were standing in front of each other and the next thing I remember her lips were on mine and I was experiencing something close to bliss. _

_It started fervently and only grew more heated. My hands explored places that I'd began to believe would only ever be explored in my dreams. Never have I ever been so completely lost in another person as I'd been in that moment._

_It was sheer desperation, the need to feel close to something and find some form of comfort, which had fueled the exchange. I know that now._

_But still, looking back, I can feel something more to it. It hadn't been two friends trying to survive the devastation around them. It was two people in love. I could feel it then in every caress and I can still feel it now. As my father would say....Deep in my heart I know that our souls are meant to be bound forever._

_Even though it was clear that our little encounter is to be kept a secret, that we're supposed to ignore that it ever happened and continue on, I'm not sure that my heart can really do it. I won't risk our friendship though. Especially not at a time like this when we need all the support from each other that we can get. I would never want to make her burden heavier after all. It's my job, my duty, to make it lighter anyway I can. I'm not going to stop doing it now._

_Tomorrow is her birthday. Though I doubt she'll remember considering the state of Voyager. I'm going to give her the present I've kept hidden away anyway. I hope, maybe, that it'll make her smile. Smile like she did for a brief moment last night._

_End log._


	3. A Kiss To End the Tale

_First Officer's Personal Log. Stardate......in hopes this won’t incriminate me later let's just say that it's Stardate 47474.7   -_

_This will be my last personal log while on Voyager. By this time tomorrow the ship will be turned over to Starfleet and inspected and studied meticulously. I've come to a decision about leaving this ship. As much as I hate to say it I guess it was Tom who inspired the decision. I really hate to give him credit for it though._

_It all started because I went to see B'Elanna and Miral in their quarters. B'Elanna and Tom were packing up the last of their things when they let me in. I had just wanted to check up on mother and baby. I hadn't been expecting to find the Captain too. I'd hardly seen her since our return and the few times I had it was all business. Not too much of a surprise considering all the meetings Starfleet kept wanting her to attend. There she'd suddenly been though. Right there in front of me._

_She was walking around the Torres-Paris quarters, Miral in her arms, as she gently bounced the newborn in an effort to ease the crying. There was a content smile on her face as she paced and gazed down at the baby. She'd seemed more relaxed than I've seen her in months. Maybe even years. It was also quite clear that little Miral already had her godmother firmly wrapped around her little pinky._

_I know for a fact that my heart nearly burst at the sight._

_Suddenly all those dreams I'd had at the beginning of our journey came rushing back with vivid clarity. Dreams of a family, of Kathryn, of that far too brief kiss on New Earth that she thankfully still knows nothing about, and of a child with sparkling blue eyes and vibrant red hair. Dreams that I had discarded long ago._

_B'Elanna had only smirked when she saw the surprised expression I no doubt had worn. The more I think about it the more I think there might have been something else written all over my face as well. Or maybe B'Elanna just knows how to read me better than I give her credit for._

_Tom on the other hand hadn't been willing to let it go. He stood next to me and watched the scene while folding a baby blanket and then whispered something that I never thought I'd hear from him. He pointed out that 'the Captain was a natural with children'. It was what he said immediately after that which is still floating around my head. He said that, "You should really stop staring and do something before she gets suspicious."_

_Kathryn had left to go meant with Owen Paris soon after she noticed my presence. And after several hours of debate I've come to a decision. Tom Paris was right. Staring at Kathryn won't do me any good. If I'm going to find any measure of peace like that which I'd once had before our relationship had begun to crumble then I need to act._

_I need to act now._

_I'm tired of regulations and parameters. I've fought urges and emotions where she's involved for seven years. Now I'm done. I give up. I'm going to tell her how I feel point blank whether she wants to hear it or not. I'm going to kiss her when she’s coherent enough to know I'm doing it. I'm going to prove that I can love her. And I'm going to go do it right now. If I don't survive...._

 

"What are you listening to?"

At the sound of Kathryn's voice Chakotay paused the recording and turned from the computer terminal just in time to watch her shrug out of her winter coat. Either she'd returned home early from babysitting Miral or he'd lost track of time. "Just an old log," he answered.

"From _Voyager_?" she asked while taking off her gloves and tossing them onto the armchair where her coat had already been discarded to.

"Yeah," he answered, somewhat distractedly, as he watched her approach the desk he was working at. His gaze traveled from her windblown hair, to her well-worn sweater, and downward until his eyes caught sight of her feet. Her feet which were lost in a pair of oversized rubber boots. She didn't have the biggest feet to begin with, but the much larger boots practically swallowed the lower portion of her legs. It should technically make her seem that much smaller, but Kathryn Janeway could make even oversized rubber boots just as authoritative as any other regular pair of boots she owned. With a twitch of his lips he looked back up and met her eyes just as she stopped beside his chair. "Nice boots."

Kathryn rolled her eyes at his clear amusement, but the light smirk she fought to repress spoke of her own mirth. "Miral wanted to play dress up," she answered dismissively with a wave of her hand. "These are Tom's. She thought they fit me better."

"What happened to your shoes?" he asked with a chuckle.

"She wanted to wear them and we couldn't get her out of them."

Chakotay chuckled again at the mental image of a four year old Miral marching around in shoes that were two times too big for her. Miral could be sweet, but when she wanted something she could be as stubborn as B'Elanna and Tom combined. Much like her godmother.

"So you just wore Tom's," he concluded with a knowing smile.

"He said he didn't mind and I told him I'd return them later," she confirmed while leaning over of his shoulder to look at the computer terminal. "Stardate 47474.7." With a glance over the data on the screen she smirked and he briefly caught sight of a familiar mischievous glimmer in her eyes.  "An unforgettable date."

"For both of us." He reached up and took the hand that rested on his shoulder and placed a soft kiss on her knuckles.

Kathryn absentmindedly stroked her thumb over his hand in return as she read over what he'd jotted down during the last couple of hours. "You can't put that kind of thing in your memoirs, Chakotay," she pointed out flatly a second later.

"Why not?" He wasn't surprised by her reaction to the more personal details he'd written down about their relationship. For nearly a year after they'd first gotten together she had insisted they keep their relationship quiet so that Starfleet and the press wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

"Because people are most likely going to read it," she answered dryly.

"So?"

"Chakotay...."

"It's about my life, Kathryn. And my life has included you in several very major ways," he pointed out, his teasing fading to match her own seriousness. "Why wouldn't I include this in it?"

Kathryn arched an eyebrow in an unimpressed manner he thought was rather reminiscent of Tuvok. "Because I would like those cadets we teach to actually look at us and not laugh."

He chuckled and turned his chair around to better face her, but didn't release her hand. "I highly doubt they'd laugh. Do you know how many times I've been asked for stories about how we got together?"

She smirked once more, most likely remembering the fair share of stories she herself had been asked for over the years. The personal lives and romantic liaisons of the _Voyager_ crew, especially the command team, had always been of big interest to people and continued to be so even now.

"I swear, Chakotay, if you turn your memoirs into some sort of Klingon romance novel..."

"I promise I won't," he assured her. He gently pulled her closer until she was standing between his legs, the oversized boots squeaking as she moved.  "But I love you, Kathryn. Most of the Federation knows that by now. I'm not going to deny it or exclude it from this book because loving you _is_ my life."

"47474.7, huh....” she said with a half-smile as her gaze traveled back to the terminal.

"Yeah," he replied simply while she leaned over to read what he'd written and he caught a whiff of the scent that was purely Kathryn Janeway. She was so close he could practically feel her pulse. Or maybe that was his own heart beating so loudly it just seemed like hers. It had always been hard for him to think clearly when she was so close. She was simply intoxicating. The most addictive substance he'd ever encountered.

She nodded, supposedly unaware of the effect she was having on him when in fact they both knew she was very much aware of it. "It was a good day."

"It was a very good day," he whispered back, his mind racing between the memory of that day and feel of her so close. With a half-smile he slid his arms around her waist and tugged her into his lap. As he pulled her legs up on top of his so she was sitting crossways Tom's snow boots fell from her feet. He met her mirth filled eyes with a crooked grin as she slipped her arms around his neck and leaned even closer.

"One of the best," she added softly.

He closed the distance between them and pressed his lips to hers in agreement. It wasn't their first kiss, it wouldn't be their last, but Chakotay knew it was just as important as all the others.

 


End file.
